If you fail to make a positive emotional connection at the outset with your acquaintance or date, you can be sure that any hopes of a deeper relationship will likely end right there. However, the following advice on communicating with friendship prospects is a simple, easy way to ensure exchanges that will make a positive first impression:

Friendship Advice: Know Their Name
This advice sounds silly, but many people who fail to do this often suffer the consequences. Whether you communicate with someone through an online dating site, like findsomeone.co.nz, for example, by telephone or in person at Duck Soup, be sure to exchange first names.

During your talk with them, be sure to use their first name. In doing so, you will make them feel at ease, while also coming across as the friendly person you really are. Of course, if you forget people’s names immediately after they tell you, this may be a useless piece of advice unless you can write the name down somewhere.

Friendship Advice: Establish a Point of Contact
Speaking to the other person about a common interest or topic of mutual concern is a great way to build rapport with them. Perhaps you are both single parents, or share a common sporting activity. Whatever it is, use your common bond to your advantage.

Friendship Advice: Smile A Little Smile
Smile often if you are are speaking with your friend in person. It will not only help put you at ease, but will allay any apprehension they may have as well. Smiling is also a contagious, feel-good activity.

Friendship Advice: Paying Out a Compliment is Free
Paying a compliment, as long as it is sincere, is a great way to build up another person’s confidence and self-esteem.

Friendship Advice : Be Enthusiastic
Of course, you don’t want to be fake. What we are saying here is to stay focused on uplifting topics for conversation starters. For example, according to a recent poll the top three topics singles should avoid when meeting other singles are talking about a former relationship, dieting and marriage. Especially for the sensitive types, the advice here is that talking about these could cause more harm than good.

Overall, even if you are shy, following this little bit of advice will help you ease into better communication with other singles.

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Some advice for the guys this time – how exactly do you go up to someone you’ve never seen before and start a conversation with them? The first thing to realize is that you’re not really having a problem with TALKING. What you’ve got is a problem with REJECTION.

Think about it for a second: When you meet people at a party, and some guy walks up to you and says “Hi”, I’m sure it’s not a scary situation. I bet you can find something to say, and the conversation probably flows fairly easily. There’s no real self-consciousness or weirdness.

But change that guy into a woman, and then add in your expectations and fears, and that will make your conversation mechanism seal up tighter than Fort Knox.

There’s nothing wrong with this. In fact, it’s probably the most common affliction guys have. And it can also be overcome fairly easily. The key to this scenario is to stop thinking of women in quite the same way you have been, and then to prepare in advance for the situation.

First of all, it’s a common situation for guys to put women on a pedestal. They all too often believe that women are these fragile, delicate creatures that hold an awesome power over them. And it’s just not true.

You see, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to perform. You’re bound to have anxiety and stress, which is going to make you tense up when you need to be your most relaxed. Women can sense when you’re in “nervous talk” mode, and while they may have a little sympathy early on, it’s not a good thing overall.

Take a moment to realise that a woman’s opinion of you will not crush you or socially embarrass you. There have been plenty of women in the past that you weren’t successful with, and you survived, didn’t you? So remember that the pressure of getting her to like you comes from believing that her opinion of you is somehow more important than your own.

Then, accept that you’re going to have to prepare a little in advance if you want to feel confident going in. You’d never see a football team take the field that hadn’t at least gone through training for a few months prior to the season starting.

Take a few moments before Duck Soup and plan out a few good conversations in advance. Not word-for-word, mind you, but come up with some fun topics that would be interesting for you and a woman to chat about. Something like the cost of Rugby World Cup tickets, or where to shop for your sister’s birthday present.

Next, plan out a few low-risk introductions to get it started.

Something as simple as: “Hi, I’m Mark. I’m just meeting new people today, and you seem like an interesting person. What’s your story?”

Or start out by noticing a piece of jewellry or item of clothing she’s wearing and go from there.

The art of small talk is actually easy if you can relax first, and then have a few rounds of ammo in your conversational rifle in advance. Having the ammo keeps you calm so you can have a steady aim.

Then all you have to do is fire and bring her down.

Duck Soup kick-off is 7.30pm with name-tags and mingling – challenge yourself to offer your phone number if you are having a great conversation.

Ebbie Scrooge, a good looking woman in mid life, was wasting her dating years grumbling about men. On the night before Christmas, she was commiserating with her single girlfriends, complaining bitterly about the horrible men they meet. How all the good men are taken. How they’ll never find love and refuse to settle. The girlfriends clinked their glasses one last time, toasting how they didn’t need men and parted ways. Ebbie stumbled home for a good night’s rest. But she didn’t get it.

Instead, she was visited by three Christmas Ghosts who illustrated the error of her dating ways.

The Ghost of Romance Past
First the Ghost of Romance Past dropped in to have Ebbie review her history. Ebbie is all too familiar with her unhappy past and ugly divorce. However, the Ghost is very compassionate and worked with Ebbie to remember what was good, what did make her happy, and what lessons she learned that she can bring forward to a new love life.

The romance apparition encouraged Ebbie to not get stuck in the past. In fact, Ebbie’s past does not automatically create her romantic future. She has more free will than she realized and might want to think twice about frittering it away rehashing the past.

The Ghost of Romance Present
Back to bed for Ebbie, she thought she’d finally get some rest, but not to be. The Ghost of Romance Present scooped her up and they journeyed to view her current love situation. Much to her chagrin, very little is happening on the love front. The Ghost of Romance Present lovingly explains to Ebbie that she does have loving energy in her life. She has children who love her, friends and family who adore her, neighbors who enjoy her, and a dog who offers unconditional love. Ebbie never considered these sources of love in her life and took them for granted.

The patient spirit of Romance Present showed Ebbie how loving energy in her present life could blossom into more if she acknowledged it and felt grateful. The error of her ways, bitching and moaning, blaming men, criticizing them endlessly, actually didn’t make her feel better – it made things worse.

Ebbie’s head was spinning from seeing how much time she spent dissing men. From this wiser vantage point, it seemed like a sad set of self-sabotaging behaviors that was truly getting in her way of the romance she desired.

Ghost of Romance Future
Then Ebbie was back in bed and yet again, a third apparition, the Ghost of Romance Future whisked her off. She arrived to view her life five years ahead and was amazed to find herself in the arms of a wonderful man (Bob Crachet I believe), smiling, happy and in love. How could this be? What could she shift to ensure that this future did come to pass?

The ghost of Romance Future gave Ebbie some crucial tips about being approachable and friendly to men and most importantly, appreciating men for who they are and what they have to offer.

It was as if Ebbie woke up to a whole new consciousness about dating that she had never experienced before. She could see the wisdom of her dating coach and how her advice would help create the future she so strongly desired but had long ago given up on.

Banish the Bah-Humbug Attitude

Ebbie reconnected with all three Romance Ghosts before her night ended and vowed to change her ways. She agreed to work on being more positive, open and active. She promised to minimize her complaints and banish her bah-humbug attitude that sabotaged any efforts she did make. This will permit her to send good vibes into the Universe and attract the love she wants and deserves.

Good for you Ebbie! With those shifts in perspective and understanding, you will attract the love of a good man. The next day, Ebbie flirted just for the fun of being a woman, received lots of attention and started on the path to the love-filled future she now knows is waiting for her.

Source: Ronnie Ann Ryan

The party season is like speed dating – but with tinsel and mistletoe. The truly dedicated can, by the last days of December, have swapped so many telephone numbers that the long, lonely days of sober January and deep dark February will be enlivened by at least a handful of dates to keep the twin forces of SAD (seasonally affective disorder) MAD (money all done) at bay until at least Easter.

That is the upside of being single over the festive season. The downside, however, is almost too awful to contemplate – particularly in the paranoid light of a hungover dawn. We’ve all been there – head in hands the next day, shuddering at the memory of the night before. Because when a Christmas party goes wrong, it does so in a way that spells unwise sexual liaisons and public humiliation like no wedding ever can.

Christmas parties are, in imagination, magical glittering occasions where everyone looks like Princess Charming, where witticisms worthy of the round table at the Algonquin trip lightly from tipsy mouths and seasonal goodwill breaks down barriers – so even the most unapproachable seem suddenly, alarmingly, very, very approachable indeed. For this reason the Christmas season can be both a single man’s finest hour and, also, a yuletide minefield.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents has produced what has been called “a party pooper’s charter” outlining a few obvious health and safety pitfalls associated with the party season, such as keeping all party food in the fridge, banning smoking for fear of fires, avoiding balloons in case they should trigger an allergic reaction to latex and even, heaven forfend, banishing mistletoe which, is suggested, only invites sexual harassment suits.

But their advice about the inadvisability of dancing on flimsy office furniture, or pointing out that it’s not such a great idea to expose your bare buttocks to the certain humiliation and potentially horrific injuries from photocopying your bottom, for instance, say nothing about the far greater humiliation that can come from being single this time of year.

Let’s start with the most obvious problem: everyone, including you, is drunk. A small amount of alcohol is the best social lubricant there is, but, as we all know from experience, a large amount of alcohol can lead to public disaster. This is not the opportunity to try to impress your boss: do not tell your boss anything, in fact, do not even attempt to speak to your boss.

Sorry to sound like your mum but the safest route is not to drink too much. Now, everyone has a different idea of what is too much but, as a rule of thumb, when people you would never normally fancy start to become extremely attractive, then you have drunk too much.

Two, do not seduce people who are more drunk than you are. It may be easy but it is unseemly and goes against the basic rules of the game but you may also end up covered in sick in the back of a taxi cab, or embarrassed at work the next day or, worst of all, someone will wake up next to you with that undeniable “I can’t believe I went to bed with him” look on their face.

And, while you’re bound to bump into everyone you’ve ever snogged over the Christmas party season, beware, this is no place to pick up your ex-lover.

Third, be very, very careful about who you find attractive. I speak from bitter experience. My Achilles’ heel is to find attractive (nay, mesmerising) the loudest, most outrageous, and most entertaining woman in any festive gathering. Through the blur of festive inebriation I have, too many times to mention, found myself deeply attracted to someone who is – if I was sober – clearly an unstable lunatic. She who seems the life and soul of the party at 2am will, inevitably, turn out to be a complete maniac when you meet her for lunch a week later.

In a roasted chestnut shell, the worst of Christmas danger is that, at any other time of year, your singleton’s humiliations remain your own. You will choose which friends get to hear of your latest disasters on the rocky path twixt bed and bar. But, at Christmas, the season of goodwill is really “the season of good stories about what happened the night before” – so be warned because, at Christmas, the whole world is watching.

A SINGLE MAN’S… DOS

• Remember, if she wasn’t attractive all year, but you find yourself saying, “I’ve suddenly seen her in whole new light,” that’s the free bar speaking.
• Stop, when you think your dancing is amazing.

AND DON’TS

• According to women, before going out, you should discard the first thing in the mirror that grabs your eye. It’s the same with women.
• Think outside your league. If she was attractive all year but you felt you were out of your league until now, that’s the free bar again.
• Tell any anecdote that start with the words, “I’ve never told this to anyone before…”

Source: By Martin Beeson

A 39-year-old woman is depressed around the holidays because she’s alone

Dear Dr. Gail: I am 39 and still single, despite my best efforts. I’m OK with this for most of the year, but not at the holidays. The whole world is all together-y, while I’m alone. How can I at least make myself not feel worse? — Single Gal

Dear Single: Though it feels you are alone, you are not. Plenty of people are single, divorced, widowed, or otherwise unattached. If you know the holidays will be tough to get through, I suggest you prepare ahead. Be proactive about making plans instead of hoping or expecting something will come up. Let people know you would like company for the holidays, and ask if you can join them. Many people are glad to invite a friend or colleague along.

Or make plans of your own. You can get together with a group of single friends, host your own meal, or invite people over to watch a video. Some cities have group events, like a Christmas Day run. The holidays are about sharing, so it can be truly gratifying to volunteer. People often need help at homeless shelters, nursing homes or food banks. Your participation here is often more productive than sitting around eating turkey, and more in keeping with the holiday spirit.

If it’ll help you get in the holiday spirit, go ahead and make your surroundings festive. Decorate your home, play holiday carols, light a menorah, or eat traditional holiday treats. If you find it enjoyable, it’s worth the effort.

If you are subjected to probing questions or snide comments about your singlehood, evaluate the situation before responding. People might be asking about your love life because they are truly concerned about your welfare and want to see you happy. You can acknowledge that you, too, hope to find someone special, so you are open to constructive suggestions or being fixed up.

They might, however, be asking because they are angry or envious. Believe it or not, some people wish they were single because they can’t stand their spouse. Pointing out your perceived shortcomings makes them feel less inadequate. How should you handle this? Ask directly why they feel the need to say hurtful things. If they are angry with you, suggest you talk about the real issue instead.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: If you know holiday time gets you down because you are single, make sure you make plans so you don’t feel so alone.

Source: Dr. Gail Saltz

The holiday season never seems quite the same when you are single. If you are one of the few singles among your family and friends, you might feel a little out of place over the holidays. By reaching out to others and joining with your other single friends, you can actively participate in holiday festivities and enjoy the true meaning of Christmas without feeling lonely.

Instructions

• Step 1

Attend holiday parties and events if you do need to fly solo. There is no reason to be embarrassed if you are single over the holidays. Almost everyone goes through periods of being single. Participate in holiday meals and gatherings just as you would if you were the other half of a couple.

• Step 2

Invite another single friend to attend holiday parties and meals with you. If you buddy up with someone else who knows how lonely you feel on the holidays, you will not feel so out of place and unusual. Of course, you will also be helping your friend to feel a little less alone over the holiday as well.

• Step 3

Volunteer at a local nursing home during the holiday season. You can share your time and spread joy to elderly people who do not have many visitors during the holidays. There are many residents of retirement communities who are lonely and could use a friend like you. Make their season brighter and bring some love into your own heart by volunteering.

• Step 4

Volunteer your time at a holiday meal for people who are homeless or who are poor. You will not be spending time alone and you will be making a difference in the holiday for others. This is a tradition you can continue even in years to come when you are no longer single at Christmas. You can volunteer with your loved one when that day comes.

• Step 5

Participate in local holiday events and performances. You can sign in a local church choir or perform in a community Christmas play. Join other members of your community to sing Christmas carols throughout the neighborhood. Being actively involved will help to keep your mind occupied so that you do not feel alone. You will be among friends and neighbors. You might even meet someone new.

Tips & Warnings

Give your family and friends some notice if you will be bringing another single friend along with you to a holiday meal.

Source: By Kristian Keefer

I attended a restaurant opening in Nelson this week and met up with a Duck Soup regular who excitedly told me he may have found someone – early days though.  I was of course equally excited for him and asked lots of questions like:

• Where did you meet? (online)
• What about her attracted you the most? (similar quirky sense of humour) etc.

But then I started to hear some warning bells and saw some red flags with other things I heard so my questioning took a different turn.  I asked him what he disliked most about the dating process…. and boy did things clear up for me!

This is a guy who is SICK of dating – dreads the first date and is totally over the whole concept.  It turns out he has had six dating partners since his marriage ended and now he’s ready to STOP dating and start a relationship because, in his words, “six women should be enough to give me a good idea, right?”

Unfortunately I believe he is falling into a common trap and there are numerous reasons he may feel this way.

• he may not believe he will ever find the ‘right’ woman
• he may feel impatient with the dating process
• he doesn’t understand the importance of dating to find love
• he is a little shy and it’s hard to get out of your comfort zone
• he doesn’t enjoy meeting new people
• he doesn’t really trust new people
• he doesn’t like or know how to flirt
• he doesn’t think there are any decent single women around

All of these points are focusing on the negative!  It’s the top reason people jump quickly into relationships and ditch the dating too soon.  We forget that dating is a really important process for finding love that cannot be avoided.

One of the key things to attempt to do is find a way to ENJOY this process even if you don’t like every step.  By shifting your limiting belief about dating, you’ll attract better prospects – remember, like attracts like.

Hopefully you can start learning to enjoy meeting new people. The more the better!  It can be really fun – you never know who you might meet or what cool things you may learn.  One of my now closest friends I met randomly whilst our kids were playing at a park….

If you hold this same attitude that meeting new people is tedious, try turning this around.  Make a challenge or game out of it to see how many people you can meet in a month.  Find interesting (& positive) details you’ve learned from each man or woman you meet and don’t take the whole process so seriously!

Dating is your long interview process for the position of your potential life partner.  And it’s also important for YOU to interview for the position of THEIR life partner… slowly, and gradually, you’ll build up an authentic picture of each person you date over time.  Date as many people as you can (without sleeping with any of them!) and someone will gradually become more compatible in your mind.  Then you may consider exclusively dating one person – you’ll have to stop coming to Duck Soup at this point too. After carefully evaluating your compatibility – the next step is a committed relationship. You’ll make lots of friends during this process too…. and introduce all your new friends to each other so you’re networking!

It may take some practice, but you can make this positive shift. When you are cheerful about meeting new people, you’ll appear more confident and happy which will in turn make you more attractive. It’s a cycle of positive energy that builds on itself…. and when you do get to meet that person who just fits so well into your life, you’ll be so glad you stuck it out and KEPT DATING!

If you’re thinking – man, I can’t even GET a date, let alone have more than one – then consider online dating on findsomeone.co.nz.  If you need assistance to write your profile and choose a great photo, let me know.

Alternatively, use Duck Soup networking to ask someone if they would like to go on a date to learn more about them – but remember, not everyone comes to Duck Soup to find love – many people are networking to expand their social lives without necessarily looking for a partner.  So be prepared for a “No, thanks” and keep trying!  Every NO is a step towards a YES.

What advice do you have for this guy to keep up the dating process….. use the comment link below.

That’s definitely not what I meant at all.

However, men in general do not join groups of any kind at the same rate as woman except maybe to golf or workout. Women are often (not always) more community oriented and join groups and take classes. And we purchase more than 75% of the self-help books. That’s all I did mean.

Unfortunately, Louanne took in what I said and started looking for evidence that men over 50 don’t want to date. Oh dear. In her note she mentioned three conversations with men in their 50’s about how they aren’t interested in looking for love.

Reason #1 – One Love Is All I’m Allowed

The first was at her high school reunion. Jeff had been widowed and said he had no desire to date because his wife was the love of his life. That seems like a shame. In this case, maybe Jeff thinks he was lucky to have a great love and that’s all he’s entitled to. Just one. But more often a man who enjoyed his relationship is the most likely to get out there after healing to find a new one.

I ‘ve met women who feel similarly, not wanting to test the waters of finding someone new. It can be scary or confronting or a number of other emotional reactions could be behind this lack of desire to seek a new romantic relationship.

Reason #2 – Multiple Divorces – Why Try Again?

She also has a cousin in his 50’s who has been divorced twice. He claims to have no interest in dating either – why do that again? Maybe Pete feels the financial pressure of two divorces. maybe its the emotional drain of two failed relationships.

I’ve encountered woman who feel the same way. Having been burned multiple times, they don’t want to risk that kind of emotional trauma again. So they busy themselves with out activities and can still live a rich life. That’s a choice for sure.

But if you do want love, you’ll probably have to do something to find it. My mission is to help those people who admit they want love and are willing to take action to make that goal a reality. I totally and completely believe it is possible. I did it – so you can too.

Reason #3 – Not Very Social – Not Comfortable Looking

Lastly,  Louanne knows a man at work who she shared this story with. He too agreed that he is not looking and not sure he wants to either.  Karl isn’t very social and isn’t too keen on attending singles dances or getting out there. He’s a very nice guy who may lack some self-esteem and is highly rejection-averse. It’s much easier to live a small life alone than risk being rejected.

Naturally, I know women who think this way as well. To date means to experience rejection. The two are intertwined and cannot be separated. That’s why I work with coaching clients to help them build self-esteem, learn how to handle and think about rejection and move on to say, “Next!”

Collecting the Wrong Type of Data

I can see why Louanne started to collect these stories since she is experiencing the feeling of scarcity. And I admit, misunderstanding what I said did contribute to this situation.  But keep in mind, plenty of women over 50 don’t date either as I mentioned above.   Some people feel burned by love, think love has passed them by, or that they are (shocking as this sounds) too old to find love again.

That is all a perspective Louanne does not need to share! And neither do you.

Instead, for Louanne and any of you reading this who have similar proof and thoughts – get out there and meet new men! Men are actually  every where. And meet new women too. The more people you know, the better your chances of finding love.

The Human Condition – We  Want to Be Right

As human beings, we collect stories to prove out belief systems are correct. This is the human condition. As an over 40 dating coach, I learned to challenge this type of thinking, for myself and my clients.

What stories are you telling yourself? Are you 1000% sure they are true? Because often times you have collected one kind of evidence – but you have ignored evidence that proves the contrary position in your quest to be right.

Single men in their 50’s go out, date, meet new women and find love all the time. They may not all be looking, but you don’t need them ALL. You just need a few good ones to pick from.  Stop fretting about the guys who want to date younger women, don’t date or didn’t read your profile well enough. Focus on finding the good guys and you are far more likely to have that as  your outcome.

Wishing you love!

Source: Ronnie from www.nevertoolate.biz