Sunday 4 December (from 7.30pm at 623 In The City) will be the last Duck Soup networking night for the year!  I hope you’ve got some fun summer plans happening with your other single friends…. if not, come along tonight prepared to hand out your phone number or email address to ensure you’re invited to some events, bbqs and parties..

Dating is one of the best friend finders there is. I read recently some advice from an elder statesman who said that we should all try and make one new friend every five years. What excellent advice. When we are very young we collect friends like sweets. As we get older we lose some along the way kind of like natural wastage. We fall out and we fall in, we change and adapt and we end up with a core group of our best friends, usually quite small but reliable and close. I think its fair to say that most of us will never have more than a handful of extremely close friends as we grow older simply because its not possible to have very close relationships with so many people. Best friends require maintenance.

Where dating comes into its own is in it’s simplest form – introducing us to new people. We meet on a one-to-one basis to chat and discuss and basically find out if we get get on well enough to become friends. Dating often misses out on this aspect, the fact that to become lovers we should become friends too. It’s not just about if we are attracted to their hair, face, breasts, legs etc. It’s about how we get on, what we have in common, if we share the same belief systems, skills, laughs, humor, outlook, background and passions. If we do then this may well be the very basis for a great relationship.

If that certain X factor is missing we often discount the whole deal as if to say well they weren’t good enough to date so I will discount them completely. What we are missing here is the fact that in every other way we got on. We made a new friend. Then people will say, yes but I am not looking for another friend. Well let me tell you my friend, we can all do with extra friends. Yes, okay, our closest friends are often our longest friends who we have shared everything with, but there may have been a time when we didn’t know them either so who is to say. My point is, nice people are hard to find so let us not just discount people because they fell at the first hurdle.

I am not suggesting that we gather every failed date as out next new closest buddy. I am suggesting that amongst all the people you do date, there will be one of two people who may not be your ideal match, but who could be your ideal friend. So try and keep an open mind. Maybe you can suggest that although you don’t feel you would make it as a couple you would like to stay in touch and then actually do get in touch to do something. Make sure you have defined this as a fact and are clear though and don’t string someone along and have them thinking there is some romance in the air.

We must try and remember that one of the best facets of any perfect match is friendship. People often say that they would like to marry their best friend. In other words, your partner should also be your best friend. What we mean but that is that the concept of “best friend” means the person we can rely on, trust in full measure, turn to when in need and talk to about everything in the world. It is a beautiful notion and one that should be kept in mind.

Really, dating is all about making friends and then loving them even more than that. It is about forming close bonds in a fairly short space of time and then building upon them. This is why a purely sex or physical relationship doesn’t often hold much long terms hope. It is surprising how many good friends also become lovers too. I have read some good true stories about people who had been best friends and went on to get married.

I think these days that dating has become such a clinical and organized subject that the basic elements are in danger of being lost. To love someone you have to trust them. To trust them you need to open your heart to them very early on and take the risk included. Opening your heart means a willingness to trust. It is a willingness to make that person your friend. Trust and friendship are the building blocks of every proper relationship and therefore there are no quick paths to eternal happiness. Date and find a friend. Make friends and then fall in love.

Source: http://www.topdatingtips.com/making-friends.htm

Have a read here:
http://www.stuff.co.nz/nelson-mail/features/weekend/6040331/Love-bytes

Here is the snippet about Duck Soup:

In 2008, fed up with online dating, Nelson woman Adrienne Ford started a social group for singles aged over 30.

Duck Soup makes the internet dating experience more “efficient”, she says. A single mum, it took her too long to find, message and meet potential matches, and the usual blind coffee date required a heap of self-esteem and self-confidence, often ending in disappointment.

Duck Soup has been a success. Between 60 and 100 unattached Nelsonians turn up regularly to social events in the city on the first Sunday of each month, and Ms Ford also arranges activities like dessert nights, meeting at local events and festivals, and going on trips.

Although some are there simply to make new friends, about half of her attendees have tried internet dating.

She encourages daters to use a Duck Soup event as their first “offline” meeting place.

“Online dating is good, but real-life meeting early on is a good augmentation to online dating,” she says. “It’s crucial.”

At some point, you still have to get offline and do it the old-fashioned way.

For all those new to Duck Soup and willing to give it a try – see you on Sunday 4 December at 623 In The City from 7.30pm.  Come and meet me on the door and I’ll give you a name-tag and introduce you to someone friendly who’ll start off your night of networking.

From 7.30pm at 623 In The City on Hardy Street in Nelson.

An email message that stood out to me this month was a man asking to be removed from the Duck Soup event reminder list because he was now in a relationship & no longer single. Then he told me how he met his new partner…. you’ll be very surprised to hear the rest of the story…

He told me that he attended his first Duck Soup networking night and the first woman he spoke to on the only night he came to Duck Soup is now his partner! I couldn’t believe it – but nevertheless it happened. Now the cynical among us might consider that “settling” – but I’m sure you’ll join with me in congratulating them both and GOOD ON THEM for coming along to Duck Soup and making an effort to get to know at least ONE new person!

It’s unlikely this will happen for you or me on Sunday night – but who knows which first Sunday of the month will be host to a great compatible match for us? I guess we’ll never know unless we are present and willing to talk. It also helps to exchange contact details – as I’m assuming these two did.

Although we often hear stories of people in relationships after meeting someone at Duck Soup – a few have even walked down the aisle – just a reminder that Duck Soup is not set up at a dating or matchmaking service. It’s important to remember that not everyone attending Duck Soup even wants a relationship and MOST people come along to make some new friends and establish a new social group. Duck Soup is perfect for those new to Nelson or people struggling with a severly diminshed social life after a break-up. It’s also helpful for those wishing to increase their social confidence – you’ll always get lots of practice talking to strangers at Duck Soup.

I hope all the dads have a great Father’s Day/Dinner with your kids – and we’ll see you on Sunday night!

The great majority of people seem genuinely glad to have a brief personal dialogue with a perfect stranger. I believe human beings are created to be part of a shared existence, part of community. It’s easy to be in the middle of a room filled with people and to be alone, go to work everyday and not connect with anyone, walk around a large gym, see the same people for months or even years and never connect with anyone. Could a friendly smile and small talk from a stranger, actually make a difference? Most definitely.

I have exchanged travel nightmare stories with fellow travellers. I have commiserated with parents of teenage boys about the challenges we face. I have learned new exercise routines from guys I’ve met at the gym. Unexpectedly, I have made new friends simply because I took the time to introduce myself and began a conversation that would eventually blossom into a friendship.

Most of these exchanges have been rewarding, some of them might even become life changing. Time will tell. But none of them would ever happen without breaking that first awkward moment of silence and purposely entering someone else’s world.

This whole experiment has helped changed my perception of people and even my vocabulary. I no longer look at those whom I don’t know as “strangers.” They are now friends I have not yet met.

How difficult is it for you to introduce yourself to someone new?

Source: Maurilio Amorim

Where else can you access so many people in the same ‘season’ of life as you?  Although not everyone at Duck Soup is interested in finding a potential relationship, this is where you can practice your conversation skills and get back in the saddle of meeting strangers.

After coming along to Duck Soup a few times you will find yourself more approachable in your everyday life; you will have a more relaxed and comfortable manner when speaking with new people; and your brain won’tfreak out or stall when someone flirts with you.

You will also be proud of the fact you’ve made it through the door and taken a step towards improving your social life.  You will even start recommending Duck Soup to your single friends as a possible jump-start of their own.

Once you start looking forward to the new and interesting people you may meet on the first Sunday of the month, it’s time to collect phone numbers and work on the next step of the social process.  Make some new friends of your own by arranging a group get-together.

Ask one or two other people whom you connect with on a conversational level (a similar interest, geographical location, or something else in common) to meet you out somewhere interesting – cafe, market, movies, dinner, show, walk, beach, bowling, bike-riding, volunteering, dancing, club event, gardens, gallery, etc.  Also ask them to bring another single friend or two each to make it a group occasion…… remember, these are not necessarily people you would date – just people you can easily TALK to.

Keep doing this and forming new friendships – invest a least one or two outings a month in your new social life.  IMPORTANT: make sure you introduce every single person you meet to every other single person you know!  Keep a list of all the single people you’ve made friends with and their contact number so you can txt/call them all when you have a activity/outing planned or just end up somewhere and want to share.

After awhile you will find a couple of new friends you really click with and they start inviting you to lots of events….. perhaps now you’ve even invited them to your place and vice versa…. these are the core members of your newly improved social circle.  You may even have a regular meeting place/event you attend with them and you are well on your way to building a trusting friendship.

KEEP inviting new single friends into your ‘group’ to increase the chances of meeting your next potential partner…. try not to exclusively date anyone ‘special’ and keep your social life ticking over in groups.  This way you’ll still get to know someone who is potentially “datable” without wasting time if they are end up an unsuccessful match….. build on the momentum of your new social group rather than drop it down to just one person.  The authentic character of someone you’ve just met will take a few weeks/months to really show through….. premature intimacy just clouds everything with chemistry and you’ve heard that saying “love is blind” – try not to fall into that time-wasting trap.

Consider the task of introducing your single friends to each other to be an important part of your new single life….. this is how you will meet your next partner – I truly believe that because it’s happened over and over and over to Duck Soup members!

It does take some effort – but I know you will agree it’s worth it.

See you on Sunday from 7.30pm at 623 In The City.
Adrienne, Mixologist

The eyes of the world are upon Prince William and his bride Kate Middleton as they take their nuptial vows at Westminster for all to be their witness. With Prince William getting married, some single women’s dream of marrying a prince will be put to rest. Prince William weds a commoner while, despite some common faulty recollections, his mother was of the aristocracy. Princess Diana had been born Lady Diana Spencer. He breaks with the tradition only last upheld by his father, Prince Charles, in marrying Kate.

However, when any couple is deeply in love and wedding their true love Soul Mate, then every bride is a princess and her groom her prince. What are the dating love lessons all singles can learn from the wonderful courtship romance of Prince William and Kate Middleton?

Royal Wedding Dating Lesson #1: Build a Foundation of Friendship

The two of them met while both studying at the University of St. Andrews where the Prince earned his degree. They knew each other and were acquainted for quite some time. They started as friends. As any married couple will tell you, romance and passion are imperative to wed. However, married life requires the sharing of your lives in ways that require you two be friends. Taking the time to build and nurture a foundation of friendship during your courtship strengthens the love relationship you two hope to share for years to come.

Royal Wedding Dating Lesson #2: Build a Relationship to Withstand Hardship

Even though they had enjoyed a romantic relationship for a time while they were at St. Andrews, in April 2007, they did break up. In all relationships the couple will face hardships and disagreements. Can your romance withstand that? Are you two sufficiently caring of each other and with a shared life alignment and purpose to reunite and rekindle the flames of romance as Prince William and Kate Middleton did? They were apart for only a few months and reunited as a romantic couple before the end of 2007, with an eight year courtship.

Royal Wedding Dating Lesson #3: Wait to Be Ready to Marry

In 2007 when the couple did break up, the only public comments were that at 24 years old, Prince William felt it was too soon and that he was too young to marry. However, by the time Kate Middleton and her Prince wed on April 29, 2011, she will be 29 years old and he 28 years old. (Prince William was born on June 21, 1982. He turns 29 years old after their wedding.) Singles who attend my dating workshops or who have read my articles know I generally suggest a 12-24 month courtship period for couple to know they want to wed. However, Kate and Prince William were quite young when they met. Their taking longer than 2 years was certainly a wise direction to take. A Royal marriage just takes longer to establish. For yourself, take the time to be sure you want to marry and you’re with the right person for you and to build the foundation for your married relationship. May yours last for years.

May Prince William and Kate Middleton enjoy many years ahead of happily married life, complete with the gift of beautiful children.

She goes through men quickly. One after another usually hurting her in some way. Cheating. Lying. Using her for money. Or simply running from the pressure. The pressure of being the object of her desires.

Finally she meets a new one who seems to have promise. He’s artistic – a writer. And he’s pretty successful at making a living at it. Even better! He also was a “friend” who quickly became a lover after announcing a separation from his wife of 9 years.

So I pose the question. Is it good for you if you are dating a recently separated man?

Well, just imagine that you are friends on Monday, he announces his separation on Tuesday, and you are couple by Friday. That’s how it usually works for the woman who becomes “just a friend” with a married man having difficulties at home. Once he or more than likely the wife makes a move towards separation – a new union begins.

A relationship with a recently separated man is one based on a lot of one-sided information most of the time. He likes to talk about all the things his wife did to contaminate the relationship. He likes to talk about how he feels and how it’s been so difficult for him. If there are kids involved, there is usually a discussion about how the wife is keeping him from him/her or how the wife was a not-so-great mother. Listen ladies…don’t you believe it! It’s just an excuse for the both of you to do what you are doing with each other without having to deal with the issues from that relationship.

A man that has recently separated from his wife needs time to address the feelings of the marriage that has ended and where he goes on from there. He has no business jumping head on into another relationship with you or anybody else.

And the biggest reason why is because the new woman is bound to get hurt. Why? Why aren’t you the woman that is going to change everything? Well, you just might be, but let time be that deciding factor. Rushing into a relationship with someone who is by all accounts Still Married folks is not the smartest relationship decision.

In a rush? Well, why not bide your time with someone else until your “Mr. Right” gets his head together:)

Source: GirlShrink - Relationship Advice at GirlShrink.com

If it’s your first time coming along, please know that the room will be full of friendly people and you will never be left standing alone. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself – it’s just a bunch of strangers who are all single like you. Have a chat to a few of them and you’ll soon find yourself relaxing into it.

This is an opportunity to practice your social skills. Keep in touch with the art of conversation so you are more approachable in your every day life. Once you are less intimidated by the process, you’ll benefit even more by starting to hand out your phone number or email address to those people you enjoy talking to…. get to know them a little better over time by arranging (or accepting invitations to) some social outings to keep the momentum going.

Keep ‘interviewing’ new people for the position of your ‘friend’ and start inviting prospective people out to different activities or events – a movie, coffee, tennis, beach walk, festival, concert – whatever. Introduce your new single friends to your existing single friends to keep the networking happening. As time goes on, you’ll find yourself cultivating some great friendships and others may fall by the wayside as you discover more about them.

Give people a chance – sometimes it takes a few weeks to see the authentic personality under the facade. Try not to jump into relationships – taking the time to work out the compatibility prospects will save time in the long run…. perhaps skip the dating altogether and work on establishing some strong friendship groups where you will have more success in growing real friends from which a relationship may develop organically. Chemistry is over-rated – grow up and give yourself a shake – work on gaining good friends and let relationships happen naturally once you’ve spent some time as friends.

Believe me, I hear ALL the stories about sex on the first date and most regret it – mainly because they feel embarrassed about coming back to Duck Soup to meet more people! Don’t limit a great source of potential friendships by giving in to some short-lived chemistry and ignoring the compatibility issues that are bound to appear. Give that person some time to get to know the complex person that is YOU before making things more complicated!

See you tonight at Duck Soup from 7.30pm at 623 In The City for the opportunity to meet a new friend…..

Adrienne
Mixologist
Duck Soup

Kiwi singles flock to internet after Royal Wedding confirmed. The news that Prince William is to marry Kate Middleton appears to have spurred New Zealand singles to action, with Trade Me’s dating site www.findsomeone.co.nz experiencing record levels of activity.  The past three days has seen 46,336 personal messages sent on Findsomeone, a 27% increase. Meanwhile the sending of flirtatious smiles on the site has also stepped up, increasing 16% to 14,710 since Tuesday.  <read more>

I must admit, I was one of the statistics who jumped on Find Someone and sent a few smiles after hearing the news.  I’m not on there every day so need to remind myself to keep my profile ticking along in the background and hoping for a message now and then!

If you are internet dating, please consider a great photo to be a distinct advantage to getting noticed online.  You don’t need a glamour shot, just something recent that shows you at your best….. without being dishonest.  I often recommend getting a photo of you doing an activity you love (along with your headshot) – it can be an ice-breaker on which to comment – and allows people to visually picture one of your interests.