Sex on the First Date

Sex on the first date is one of those situations that everyone seems to have an opinion about. Simply put, it happens. The question that remains to be answered though is this: Is sex on the first date ever a good idea?

These days, it seems that first-date sex is a little more common – people meet online, talk for a while by email and phone, and already feel so close to each other that, oftentimes, sex on the first date can seem like a natural step. Unfortunately, as our readers and callers tell us, the results can be disastrous. Meeting in person for the first time brings the real chemistry factors into play; once you lay eyes on each other, this is the start of a brand new relationship. Whatever you talked about before meeting, however intimate you got through words, you were still in the pre-attraction stage. Upon meeting in person, the five stages of dating are truly beginning.

Whether you met online or have a first date with someone new you met the “regular” way, the five stages of dating still apply. Ideally, sex should happen when you feel like your primary needs are being met in a relationship and you also feel you can freely meet your partner’s needs without expectations. Sex too soon leads to much confusion for many people.

The reality is this – the bond that two people create by going through the stages of attraction, uncertainty, and exclusivity is what leads to a great sexual connection in the stage of intimacy. Trust, by this point, has been developed and there is great freedom and comfort in trusting the person you’re intimate with. Thinking that quickly jumping into sex will automatically create this bond is where the misconception lies. Before we discuss this further, let’s take a look at some first-date sex stats:

According to a study published by the medical journal Sexuality Research and Social Policy, one-third of women who meet a man online have sex on the first date… and 75% of them do not use a condom.
This same journal did a study involving undergraduate students that focused on the factors associated with a positive first sexual experience. Their results suggested that a more intentional vs. a spontaneous first sexual experience resulted in feelings of happiness, empowerment, and being loved.
News.com reports that, in a survey of 568 U.S. women, 27% of respondents said they had performed oral sex on the first date.
A recent ABC News “Primetime Live” survey found that 29% of participants surveyed have had sex on a first date.
And, finally, a British dating company reports that single women over 50 are twice as likely as their under-40 friends to have sex on the first date… though a whopping 76% of those 50+ women who said they would have sex on the first date still expect a proper first outing that includes a man picking up the tab.

Sex and physical intimacy are only one element in a new romance, but often people make it into the most important element. We speak with clients regularly about their first-date regrets and their desire to hit rewind in the dating stages. We most often find ourselves explaining the differences between men and women about the following intimate concerns:

Getting Emotional… or Just Physical? – Sex affects the emotional center of the brain. After sex, women are known to feel more connected and attached while a man can sometimes pull away. When you’re not already in a loving and committed relationship where you understand the behaviors of your partner and have open communication about your intimate moments, this can be a baffling experience. We help clients see that there are ways for women to cope when a man pulls away; likewise, there are ways for men to cope when a woman becomes invested sooner than he might like.
Expectations After Sex – In stage one of dating, men and women interpret the significance of sex differently. Men and women can both act upon their physical attraction to each other on a first date. However, while many men can be up for a roll in the hay at any point, they’re unlikely to have any expectations about what comes after. A woman, however, may get into bed with a man because she wants to get to know him better – to her, a relationship could grow out of this intimacy. Often, she gets emotionally attached while he’s still making his mind up about a second date… and things spiral downward from there. You can decide ahead of time when it’s the right time for you to get intimate – and learn how to stick to the boundaries you set for yourself.
Getting Back to Stage One – We coaches know that broaching the subject of backtracking in the relationship after already having sex can seem like the nightmare scenario. But you do have a better chance of building a stable relationship by following the dating stages and saving sex for a time when you’re emotionally and mentally invested in each other. It’s a delicate conversation to request that sex stop and other elements pick up, but it can be done.
No Guarantees – Just because you hit the sack on the first date, that doesn’t mean the relationship is headed for happily ever after. It doesn’t mean that your partner will fall in love with you. First-date sex doesn’t guarantee a second date. Men need to be able to pursue a woman to feel successful in dating. First-date sex might be the end of the chase with a woman for some guys, and usually they are the ones who move on to the next chase. Dating is hard enough without adding physical intimacy into the mix sooner than your psyche is ready. It is possible to keep a man interested without jumping right into sex; and it’s possible to hang tight and bond emotionally with a woman before you have sex.

Every person is worthy of both passion and love, and there are plenty of ways to get your kicks in a relationship without having to indulge in risky sex-on-the-first-date behavior. As always, it’s up to each individual when sex is right for them, but it’s safe to say that on first dates, you’re still strangers. Physical chemistry might kick things into high gear, but the physical is not the strongest pull because, in the end, it’s your emotions and heart that take the hits.

If you’ve had sex on the first date, do you have any regrets? Would you do it again? Why or why not?